“You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.

What mood is that?

Last-minute panic.”

― Bill Watterson

Procrastination is a bitch. I would know. I have a persistent procrastination problem. Yes, I suffer from procrastination – actually that’s not true, I quite enjoy it. Anyway, for my sanity I told myself I will write something on procrastinating as I am a self-proclaimed expert, but to be very honest, it took me a long time to write this post. Oh yes, I’m so bad I have been procrastinating on writing this piece on procrastination. I don’t know why. Well, there are a few reasons. The first is a chronic Facebook addiction. Why am I addicted? Only Zuckerberg and his band of neuroscientists must know. Then again, my Facebook addiction is a symptom of my procrastination, not a cause. If I really had to ask myself why I procrastinate, I guess it would be a combination of self-doubt, insecurity and fear that my writing is not good enough. Oh how cliché, the story of the self-deprecating writer, but it is a story I know well. So, after a few months’ hiatus on Of Cabbages and Queens, I’m back. Yes I know, keeping a regular blog is important, but as any career writer can tell you, writing is a process of going bat shit crazy, hating your writing, a phase of obsessive reading and then running around in circles trying to catch that genius that flashes in front your face. Right now, I have reached the running around in circles part, so I’m going to write and let the genius follow.

Hello, my name is Rachael and I am a Facebook addict. Within the three minutes that it took me to write the first paragraph of this post I already checked Facebook – *hangs head in shame.* I don’t know how it started. There was just one funny post after another witty meme and I could not help but share. Before I knew it, my wall was clogged up faster than Port-of-Spain’s drains on a rainy day. Why am I addicted to Facebook? It is not that I’m a narcissist who posts selfies of themselves every day. It’s not that I am trying to avoid social interactions. Ask anyone, on a lime, my phone is usually in my purse. The reality is I use Facebook to escape. Not just from my life, but from my work. I have a huge problem with procrastination and Facebook is my distracting drug of choice. I am sure every writer has that insatiable urge to procrastinate. The question I always ask myself is why I let myself get in such a fucked up situation when I procrastinate. Earlier this year I took time off to write my thesis and I just got crazy on Facebook. However, I apparently enjoy trying to make logical, coherent sense while surviving on an hour of sleep after reaching home late from work. Racoon eyes have always seemed to work with me, and thanks to my writing/procrastination habits I don’t even need eyeliner to get them. But I get my work done anyway. I just need to work the anxiety out of my system, or more appropriately, I let myself get to the point where I do not have any other choice but to write.

It is fear. Fear is the first reason why I procrastinate. I am so afraid of failure that I panic before I write. Yes, I know this is an incoherent dilemma of mine. I am afraid of failure so I procrastinate. The funny thing is, I never really fail – or do as badly as I think I would have done. At the last moment, I do not have time to doubt myself, so I just write. I write what is on my mind. I have no time to doubt, and at that point in time I am probably too tired to doubt myself anyway, so I write brave, and it usually comes out pretty great. If I am brutally honest with myself, I know that when I wake up in the morning after I submit my pieces there are things I know I can add to make my stuff better. But I have realised, there is always going to be another thought, a deeper idea, a more profound way of thinking about things and I will always think about it after I finished write. When my brain relaxes, an hour or day after I finish write, I will always discover greater ideas, but it does not detract from the greatness I already have in my mind.

A few months ago I wrote a piece on being a dyslexic writer. While I would like to believe I have overcome my issues with dyslexia, the reality is every day when I pick up a pen or go for the laptop to write I have to overcome my problem with dyslexia. No, I do not have a major problem with the spelling. I have a problem with the insecurity, and sometimes I need the pressure of time to override my performance anxiety. I guess that is why like to write between 10pm and 5am. When you are exhausted, you become too tired to be scared. So I just write. Same principal goes for day deadlines. Have I ever told you that I can write 1,200 words in an hour? Yeah, I have written papers in less time that it took to read the articles. I just need that pressure to write it, so I lollygag until I have the spark of genius lit under my ass and I just write. (Never thought I would ever write the word lollygag in my life, but it is an awesome word). I guess what I am saying is at the last minute I have no time for insecurity, and as a dyslexic writer, I have a lot of insecurity.

For some people procrastinating is bad. They lose a lot of valuable time that they could never catch up. For me, procrastinating is my best tool because I have no time for doubt. I know wasting time is bad, but I have come to realise that I waste the right type of time. I waste the time I would take to second guess myself so I write logically and coherently. I waste the time it would take for me to think my writing is no good, so I can write passionately. I waste the time it would take for me to doubt my capability as a writer, so I just write. I let my feelings flow without fear. And while I tell myself that procrastination is no good, my product always turns out good. Not because of my procrastination, but because I let myself get to the point where I have to go brave, and I have no choice but to be awesome. What about you? Do you procrastinate? Why?

PS

For any future employers out there, please disregard this post. I am an efficient and productive writer. I always make my deadlines with a great product. The process is irrelevant. I could procrastinate for five minutes or fifty and I would make my deadline. I always make my deadline.